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brigits_flame: The Wings of a Butterfly

Jul. 9th, 2009 | 03:20 pm

Title: The Wings of a Butterfly
Word Count: 111
Summary: "God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages." -Jacques Duval
Notes: This was written for the brigits_flame July competition; the topic is "Wings."


"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages." -Jacques Duval

The wings of a butterfly:
so delicate, so bright,
so inviting to touch.
Thin scales wither and
decompose
beneath our fingers.
Yet still, we stand,
envious of their migration,
their flight.
Envious of another being --
Impossible.
And so we cage them,
watch their rebirth,
and wish for it too.
Observe them so that we too
may fly.
We harvest the stones, the iron,
the gifts of nature,
And fashion ourselves
the wings of steel that
lift us to the heavens,
Only to come back down
in a glorious halo
of dirty fog.
God loved the birds
and invented trees.
Man loved the birds --
No.
Man loved themselves --
and invented cages.
 

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Comments {12}

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ephemeralbreath

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from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:10 am (UTC)
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Thanks, Dani!

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kit

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from: hatemetoday_xx
date: Jul. 10th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
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Beautiful and perfect, as always. <3

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ephemeralbreath

(no subject)

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:11 am (UTC)
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Hearts!

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amused4ever

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from: amused4ever
date: Jul. 13th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
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I really love how you seemed to narrate the quote, and yet made the poem completely your own. Very nice job. :)

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ephemeralbreath

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from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:11 am (UTC)
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Aww, thanks Maggieeee.

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Edit

from: harlotbug3
date: Jul. 16th, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC)
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"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages." -Jacques Duval

[Thursday of the morning to you. I can’t say I’m rubbed the right way by the opening quote, but that isn’t your fault. I will say, however, that I rarely see poems introduced with quotes and, as objectively as possible, I have to say that this poem is simply too short to warrant an opening quote. Subjectively, I would never introduce a quote, then use it in the following poem.]

The wings of a butterfly:
so delicate, so bright,
so inviting to touch.
Thin scales wither[nice sequence of words] and
decompose
beneath our fingers.
Yet still, we stand,
envious of their migration [somehow this seems overly fancy],
their flight.
Envious of another being -- [I can’t say I like a double dash as a punctuation at all.]
Impossible.
And so we cage them,
watch their rebirth,
and wish for it too.
Observe them so that we too [the two “too’s” are too distracting here]
may fly.
We harvest the stones, the iron,
the gifts of nature,
A[a?]nd fashion ourselves
the wings of steel that
lift us to the heavens,
O[o?]nly to come back down
in a glorious halo
of dirty fog.
God loved the birds
and invented trees.

[Man loved the birds --
No.
Man loved themselves --
and invented cages. = This struck me as too blunt an ending.]

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ephemeralbreath

Re: Edit

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:13 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your edit; I don't know about introducing with a quote as off-putting, but I agree, I probably shouldn't have used it in the poem. I guess I was just looking for a way to end it, and was struggling a bit.

On the capitalizations, I did mean to put them there, as for me, they indicated a more significant pause than indicated at the end of the line.

As always, your criticism inspires me to rewrite and improve. :)

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(no subject)

from: transitiongodin
date: Jul. 18th, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)
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Creative and nicely written.

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ephemeralbreath

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from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:14 am (UTC)
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Thank you, Leander! :D

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(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)

ephemeralbreath

Even later reply

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Jul. 30th, 2009 07:18 am (UTC)
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So sorry about the late reply. I appreciate all of your comments, and wow, your interpretation was spot on!

I can see where the odd capitalization would come in as a distraction. I guess at the time, I wanted it to indicate a more significant pause than just the punctuation at the end of the line.

I totally agree about the ending. I was just really struggling with it, wanting it make both a statement, and return to where we began. I guess the way I wrote it was just too obvious. I should definitely take some time and rethink it.

Thank you for your edit!

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