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brigits_flame: A Retail Store Mirror World

Aug. 8th, 2009 | 01:27 am

Title: A Retail Store Mirror World
Word Count: 107
Notes: This was written for the brigits_flame August competition; the topic is "Smoke and Mirrors."

Imagine a world of retail store mirrors:
Stare into a frame,
And what do we see but
A skewed facsimile of life smiling
Radiantly back at us.
 
Where Narcissus, who looked into still waters
And never glanced back,
Is only but a man.
And Hera, that vainglorious goddess,
Merely another woman.
 
Every face in the crowd appears to itself
Unblemished,
Perfection.
Only upon strangers do we lay this stern judgment:
Reality.
 
Only to others do we whisper truths,
Thinking of more and more and more truths.
All the while a reflection of mirrors shines upon
More and more and more mirrors. And all we see are
Lies.

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Comments {11}

Jacques

(no subject)

from: lacombe
date: Aug. 9th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
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I really like the format you created for this entry- the abrupy, rhythm-breaking last lines are a nice counterpoint that effectively and routinely breaks the spell of the piece and reminds us to stop and think of what's going on.

If I had to give a suggestion, I'd say that this could use a bit of polish and focus. However, That's REALLY hard to do with poetry sometimes, and I think you've got something strong to start with here.

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innana88

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from: aine_marihugh
date: Aug. 11th, 2009 03:43 am (UTC)
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I'm going to echo Jacques. I agree with everything said here and also might suggest that you expand on the ideas you've introduced here to make them more clear. Right now, I'm struggling to understand what you mean in each of the stanzas.

I like the concept behind the piece. I think you've got a killer last couple of lines and a great image to go with it, I'm just not connecting the dots to get to there, if that makes sense.

Really strong start. Keep going. :)

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ephemeralbreath

(no subject)

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
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I totally get what you mean. I think sometimes I'm too vague when I know what I mean, and sometimes I hammer in the points a little too hard. I really need to figure out what the middle point is!

Thank you for reading, and sorry for the late reply!

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ephemeralbreath

(no subject)

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:10 pm (UTC)
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Hello, hello!

So sorry for the (extremely!) late reply; I've been really busy, and haven't had time to really think about what you've said.

How do you think I should go about "polish and focus"-ing? I know some bits are a little rough, but am unsure of how I want to change them.

I guess I'm still trying to find my own style when it comes to poetry.

Thank you for your reply.

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(Deleted comment)

ephemeralbreath

(no subject)

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
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Aww, thanks Dani! <3

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cedarwolfsinger

(no subject)

from: cedarwolfsinger
date: Aug. 11th, 2009 04:43 am (UTC)
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This opens up so many lines of conversation. Vanity, reality, unrealistic expectations, lies, image, self-criticism. . . Good work. Good luck.

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ephemeralbreath

(no subject)

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
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Yes, yes! I can see you understood what I was getting at, and am really excited!

Thank you,
Kelly

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cedarwolfsinger

(no subject)

from: cedarwolfsinger
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
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You're welcome! I'm glad you're excited that I got it. Have a great day!

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mistvieh

R.O.A.R.

from: mistvieh
date: Aug. 13th, 2009 12:57 pm (UTC)
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Hey, you! I'll be roaring at you today.

Oh, damn that Jacques. I was so confident and now I feel like I've been kicked in the face, the wind knocked out of me. I love poetry, and I LOVE this, but I'm having trouble giving it words. How ironic.

I loved your allusions to Narcissus and Hera; if anything is romanticized to the point of infallibility it's mythology and the Gods of the Greeks and Romans. I feel like if, when you wrote that stanza, you were thinking, "Hmn... what to compare to....", that you made the right choice.

I liked the lines 'more and more and more'. It felt honest to me, instead of deliberately poetic, if that makes sense. Instead of being frilly and artsy, you just said it. More and more and more.

Your first line was very strong (at least to me), despite being a simple 'command'. I read it and said, "Yes, ma'am!" Even the decision to use a : instead of a comma. I liked that.

I like that it felt broken and abrupt, but that I didn't need to re-read lines to make sure I understood. Poetry is both an easy and a very difficult thing and -very- difficult to judge because it is, by nature, naked, vulnerable, and honest. Thus, when it is executed well, it is surely a thing to be celebrated.

Very well done; I hope you benefit somehow from this shameless babble!

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ephemeralbreath

Re: R.O.A.R.

from: ephemeralbreath
date: Sep. 1st, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC)
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Hello! So sorry for the late reply; I really did appreciate seeing this reply.

Heehee. I have a fascination with mythology, particularly Greek and Roman mythology. I just find it so interesting that in almost every religion, gods are so separate from humanity while in Greek and Roman religion, the gods have personalities like normal people.

Yay! I'm so glad you liked it, and understood it. Your reply makes me feel all warm inside. :D

Thank you for your thoughtful comment,
Kelly

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from: anonymous
date: Feb. 15th, 2011 01:23 pm (UTC)
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